Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
