How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
