the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
