Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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