I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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