Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
