Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
