No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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