I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
