Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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