The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
