I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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