I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize