After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
