i jhust puked up my retainher.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
