tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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