sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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