you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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