I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
