Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
