no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
