Im at strip club and am horny
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you had me at cake vodka
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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