He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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