just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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