He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
