We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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