Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
