Ambien. No doubt about it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
