STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
