I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
