: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
