Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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