just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
