every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
