i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
