I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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