now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
