I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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