And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
