I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
