I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
