he wants to bone in the snuggie
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
