Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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