i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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