please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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