Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
