Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
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