my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize