i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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