i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
