As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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