so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
