I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize