Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
