I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
