I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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