Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
