My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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