maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
