He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's the barista slut.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
