theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
