if you like me you must not know who I am
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
soo... how was my night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize