Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
